Perseverance

Please don't be so perseverance. I am really afraid to live together with you.

What should I do? There were just simple matters. Just let it be like that. If I knew you have great perseverance on all these, I rather choose not to buy a new house. I bought it because I want everybody to be happy. Everybody lives happily in a big great house. There were just minor defects that made those surfaces do not look perfect. It won't really affect our living.

Do you know it reflect a scary pictures for me? That's why I chose not to get married at this moment. I hate "WAR". I love you so much. I don't want anyone of you get hurt. Again, I become phobia to women further because of these. 

Besides, I don't really sure I am gay or g0y but definitely I am not fully straight. I am attracted to men a lot. Even though I am attracted to women as well, I am not sure whether this is due to family/society influences. Mum, I hope you can let it go. Not only on those simple matters, but also my marriage. You are pushing me further if you become more perseverance on my marriage. I just want to be myself. I feel really tough to pretend myself that is not supposed I am. I am not sure how much and how long I can pretend. I only need your understanding. Please do not urge me to commit a normal marriage that doesn't seem NORMAL for me. I really hope you can let it go. I don't mean to hurt anyone of you.

Identify LGBT

This news caught my attention. I was a bit moody after reading the news. I am kinda sick to see this kind of news. Such an intolerance and stereotypes rule. Do you know, you are trying to push more people to death. Do you know how tough to hide the real spirit of myself from the society? Now, it is getting worse with the guidelines. You are trying to murder more people in this way. I just want to be myself. I am attracted to both men and women (more to men without my control). I wish to have an athlete body built(average muscular but not stocky muscular), I wish I could show my body if it is well built. I prefer tight and light-coloured clothes in order to look young and bright. I like fitted and black/white suit as it looks cool and mature. I don't like to bring big handbags at all. Who am I? Gay? G0y? Guy? Due to your guidelines, I have to hide my preference and myself more stringently. I don't know how much I can sustain. I am really stress up. If there is an option, I definitely will not choose to attracted to men. The path is really tough and I am a bit helpless. I wish to be who am I. However, does my society allow me to be myself? I can just hide myself deeper and deeper.

Quoted from Malaysiakini
"The Education Ministry had endorsed "guidelines" to help parents to identify gay and lesbian "symptoms" in their children so they can take early corrective measurements.

The guidelines list four symptoms each of gays and lesbians:

Symptoms of gays:

-Have a muscular body and like to show their body by wearing V-neck and sleeveless clothes;
-Prefer tight and light-coloured clothes;
- Attracted to men; and
- Like to bring big handbags, similar to those used by women, when hanging out.

Symptoms of lesbians:
- Attracted to women;
- Besides their female companions, they will distance themselves from other women;
- Like to hang out, have meals and sleep in the company of women; and
- Have no affection for men.

"Once the children have these symptoms, immediate attention should be given," the guidelines warn.

According to Sin Chew Daily, the guidelines published by Yayasan Guru Malaysia Bhd and Putrajaya Consultative Council of Parents and Teachers Associations, and endorsed by the Education Ministry, were launched during a seminar in Penang yesterday.

The seminar on "Parenting in addressing the issue of LGBTs (lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgenders)" was organised by Yayasan Guru Malaysia Bhd and officiated by Deputy Education Minister Mohd Puad Zarkashi.

Penang is the fourth state to hold such a seminar, after Selangor, the Federal Territory of Kuala Lumpur and Perak, and yesterday's seminar in Penang was the 10th in the country.

Puad is quoted by Sinar Harian today as saying that the exposure of symptoms of gays and lesbians was the best approach to address the spread of such unhealthy phenomenon among students. "

G0Y Photos

Bored in this weekend. Surfing g0y on the web throughout the days. Finally, I did register and activate the goysrus social network account successfully. These are the interesting g0y's photos to share with you guys.

Guilty

*A replacement post by last 2 days

I was quite moody last few days. Career path consideration and future plan were again alarmed me. This was really an annoying issue.

Therefore I was trying to find someone to grumble to. Well, he is my chat friend. I knew him from grindr last time. We never meet face to face before. He is quite an experience and interesting guy in his early 30s who is nice to be chatted to. We chatted for quite some time about my dilemma.


Eventually, both of us did wank off together via the mobile phone chat apps. In fact, I did enjoy slightly throughout the session but I just had a guilty feeling after the wank. I did not know what was the reason. I just felt that I should not do this kind of act. This was so "gay".

This guy consoled me not to think in that way. He told me that it was just together of boys' fun. Perhaps, he was correct. We did not do anything wrong. We just released our stress and had fun, that's all!   

Blog Reading

It is really touching when reading the post from a blogger. Here is the link.
http://appleonlyforadam.blogspot.com/2009/02/blog-post_11.html

In my opinion, do keep it to yourselves. I don't think reveal your preference to parents is a wise choice. Ba...Ma... I love you very much!

Bro

I am wondering what is happening to me. I shouldn't think like this.

Recently, I think of my buddy a lot. Perhaps I missed him. I am eager to find out what is he doing at the moment. I am interested to have a text chat with him. Unfortunately, he doesn't own a smart phone(can whatsapps) and rarely see him online.

I am attracted to his personality. He is such a big brother of mine. He is hardworking, caring, understanding, steady and cool. In fact, I have to admit I like him but I am unsure what kind of feeling is this?

Is this a brotherhood like? Is this a friendship like? Is this a intimate relationship like? I don't know. Anyhow, I really enjoy to spend my time with him.


I am confused now. What should I do in order to sustain the relationship? I am wondering about his feeling as well......This special friendship is really important to me.

Who Am I again?

Below are yesterday newspaper articles. It is about a homosexual man's perspective  on the homosexual society. It is a interesting article, therefore I keep a copy in my blog. However, I cannot 100% agree with him as he need to aware of a "g0y" society which is newly defined recently. Indeed, this article really makes me feel uncomfortable about who am I again :-( Fxxx 

 (1)
（吉隆坡7日訊）同性戀經過漫長的延續發展後，普遍上已根深蒂固，然而社會對同性戀存有灰色地帶的認知，使同性戀者出現兩大派，即開放派與保守派；一些同性戀者，甚至過於自卑而躲在異性婚姻里，繼續他們的粉紅溫存。
近日同性戀議題再被挑起，第4屆的「性取向自主」活動在吉隆坡中央藝術坊展開後，各界開始提出比往年更極端的要求，包括以伊斯蘭教刑事法對付同性戀者，以及警方查禁有關活動。
事實上，同性戀者在異性戀的社會中求存，通常處於較低的社會地位，而遭受生活上的不便與不安，承受了被歧視的壓力。
在文化界工作的同性戀者，阿龍接受《東方日報》訪問認為，這個社會上，同性戀已愈來愈普遍，圍繞在我們身邊的人，十個之中，就有4個是同性戀者。
「當中只有部分同性戀者，絲毫不忌諱的公開承認自己的性取向，也被稱為『幸福型』的開放派同志。」
壓力大多數人低調
自稱也是幸福型的阿龍說，開放派的同性戀者，一般都得到家人的接納，即使得不到家人的接納，也得到兄弟姐妹的接納。這種開放派的同性戀者，都會讓周邊的朋友知道自己的性取向。
公開坦承自己是同性戀者，被指為「出櫃」的人（come out from the closet）。這個名詞在23年前美國「同志社群」號召所有同志上街頭遊行，並列為「一起出走日」而形成今日的名詞。
對阿龍而言，社會對他們不公早習以為常，爭議並沒辦法改變他們的性取向。他們最在乎的是，家人是否接納他們。
「很多同性戀者保持低調，因他們擔心被社會或家人排斥，他們自卑、掙扎，但若把自己的性取向隱藏，只有自欺欺人。」
5歲對男人有性幻想
阿龍是一名先天性的同性戀者。他4歲開始，就知道自己喜歡男人；5歲對男人有性幻想。小學時候，對男校長或男教師存有愛慕之戀，反而對女性不感興趣。
成長過程中，他明確知道自己的性取向，不過沒有太大的內心掙扎，因他清楚知道一個基本原則：「不喜歡就是不喜歡。」
所以，現年38歲的他坦然接受自己是一名同性戀者。雖然父母都催促他找對象成婚，但他並沒有隨著父母的意願，父母雖懷疑他的性取向，但也無可奈何。
「我不想自欺欺人，太多同性戀者即使結了婚，都無法把自己『拉直』，最後發現改變不了事實，表面上是一個異性戀者，暗地里卻仍是同性戀者，兩極化的性取向最終使他們崩潰。」


(2)
（吉隆坡7日訊）在阿龍身邊，有太多同志為了迎合宗教信仰或世俗道德而結婚，最終不是離婚收場，就是活在一個沒有性愛的婚姻里。
「從小我就很喜歡肌肉感的酷男，我很討厭女生身上發出的體香味，若要我牽女性的手，我會感到雞皮疙瘩，兩個『同性』怎麼可以有肌膚之親？」
「所以，當我的朋友都結婚時，我很好奇他們怎麼樣跟老婆親熱？」
有壓力隱藏性取向
阿龍道出自己的感覺時，直言本身與女生是「同性」，反而與男生的關係是「異性」，有一種顛倒地球的錯亂。
阿龍個人認為，社會上有90%的同志，都是先天擁有同性傾向，只有一小撮人是受同性戀者的影響。
「你可知道，很多同志都躲在異性婚姻里嗎？他們有些是畫家、校長、有些更是企業家，他們拋不開世俗的眼光，而活在痛苦與曖昧的邊緣。」
已有一名固定伴侶的阿龍直言，躲在異性婚姻里的同志，並非雙性戀者，他們一般受到3種壓力枷鎖，而把性取向隱藏起來。
（1）家庭壓力、（2）個人價值認知，或（3）道德（宗教）認知，也有一些是糊里糊塗的同志，沒勇氣承認自己的性取向。
「在我們的觀念里，結婚代表是真的男子漢，如果不結婚，在各領域或會比較吃虧；一些宗教則嘗試改變他人性取向，也有一些同志嘗試自我改變，卻只不過把性取向隱藏起來。」
阿龍所看見的是，躲在異性婚姻里的男人，不但無法把自己走回「正軌」，反而愈激發他們真正自我的認知，最終有人以離婚收場。而繼續婚姻的同志，其實已進入無性狀態的婚姻關係。
「同性戀雖然被指為違反自然律，然而，如果同性戀者硬硬撮合異性戀者，最終受傷害的不但是他自己，也包括妻兒。」




(3)
（吉隆坡7日訊）同性戀已擴散到種族無疆界，據阿龍所知，這個社會愈來愈多同性戀者，是因為各族群年輕同胞都走進粉紅世界。
他說，從按摩院里，可以看到五花八門的同志世界。不但只限於華人，也有馬來人、印度人，甚至外勞的入侵，也擴大了同性戀的圈子。
「大馬的孟加拉人、巴基斯坦人、越南人、緬甸人、泰國人、中國留學生，為了討生活，也在按摩院當按摩師，他們當中有90%是同性戀者。」
阿龍說，吉隆坡及檳城是同志按摩中心的基地，分別有超過10間，也有分為巫裔光顧的按摩院，及其他族群光顧的按摩院。
由於吉隆坡的競爭力較激烈，所以，價錢比檳城便宜。
「通常走進同志按摩中心的人，基本收費是每小時45令吉，若顧客要求額外性服務，便另付50令吉至100令吉的費用。按摩師大部分都是外籍人。」
阿龍直言，他若上按摩中心，會選擇異性戀者的按摩師，以讓他得到快感。這些異性戀者為同性戀者提供性服務，完全是為了金錢。
為同性戀者提供服務性質的地方只有在按摩院里，除此以外，同性戀解慾的管道便在三溫暖或酒吧里。
「一般上，同志三溫暖，只有同志光顧，他們都在那里尋找對象，一旦雙方對上，就在房間里解慾。但是，同志三溫暖在國內並不普遍。」

Complicated

I met up with my girlfriend and we went for lunch today. We only spent about 2-3 hours together in the restaurant and her house after our last weekend holiday trip. 

Woman's brain is hardly to be understood. She always want to come to my house. I think I told her before that I hate to travel back and forth between my house and her house. It is quite far away even though we stay in the same district. She should understand me. I can feel that she was a bit disappointing this afternoon after I sent her back home. Perhaps, she is angry to me now that she didn't reply my message until this moment. (I just got her replied message with "O...")

I really hate this kind of situation. I feel like wanna call Mr. Y(one of my good friend) to talk to him about my problem. I know Mr. Y is my buddy that can bring me up. However, I am afraid that this kind of male to male relationship/bonding will become complicated one day.

My feeling is a little bit complicated now. I need someone to talk to. Sadly to said that even my chat friends are not available in chatroom tonight :-(

Buddy

I received an email message from Straight is a LIE Mosy Guys Are Bi's (a yahoo group) and found that some of the description and survey result are cool and interesting. Herein I quote one interesting fact and another excellent statement to share with you people.


"And the irony is that even 50+ years ago over 37% of men polled by Kinsey admit to having physical relations with another guy withOUT AnalSex. And over 60% polled found men attractive on some
level."


"A g0y is the buddy you trust so much that you'll let him do to you what you'd normally have to do yourself. He's the buddy who'd never intentionally hurt you." 

WH

Today I met Mr. WH in grindr chat. This guy is very cool. He is a very open-minded and well-educated Malay guy who I have ever met.

We had a great chat from this afternoon until evening. Mr. WH is a typical Malay guy who is born in Malaysia. He is such a jovial and optimistic guy. He had a few experiences with married guy and guys with girl friend. However, he has his own principle in those relationship.

He told me that his principle is complementing those guys' need. He is not competing with the lady for those guys. Well, this is really an advanced philosophy that I have ever heard. Based on my formal and informal education throughout the years, I think this is an infidelity. I feel it is a wrong deed. 

Anyway, I am really thankful to this guy. If there is really the existing of people as Mr. WH, then at least people like me will not suffer in their living life as we are the group of man who is admiring both the beauty of male and female at the same time.